Miss Me Not
by Behind The Hood
Summary: Izaya is hiding a secret and Shizuo is determined, no matter how much he hates him, that he will uncover what it is. Shizaya. Summary sucks. Warning: May be triggering, Yaoi. Don't like, don't read!
1. Chapter 1

PROLOGUE

"_I swear, sometimes it's like you want me to hate you." ~Unknown~_

I inhale deeply, taking a long drag from my cigarette, exhale, and then curse. "It smells like shit." I got off the bench I had previously been resting on, stretched, and went to follow the stench, knowing it would lead to the fucking louse.

After a while, I ended up walking down the nearly empty sidewalk, the scent getting stronger the farther I walked into the abandoned side of town. A guy in a tight grey hoodie walked passed me, the hood pulled over his head and his hands stuffed deep into his pockets. We bumped shoulders and he muttered a hurried "sorry" before rushing off.

He smelled like shit.

I turn and watch him hurry away, and realize he was what I smelled.

_Izaya_.

A growl escapes my lips as I run after him. "IZZZZZAAAAAYYYYAAAA-KUUUUUN!" I shout as I grab the back of his hoodie and throw him into the wall, gripping his arms tight to hold him up.

He smirks. "Ahh, Shizu-chan~ I didn't know you came to this side of town~"

Another growl escapes my lips as I push him harder into the old brick building, cause his smirk to falter for a moment. "Why are you in Ikebukuro Izaya-kun? I should kill you!"

He lowered his head, hiding his eyes, but I could clearly see his smirk was long gone.

"What I was doing here is none of your concern, now if you'll be kind enough to let me go, I'll be on my way back home in no time."

"Why would I trust you? Everything out of your mouth is a lie!" I accuse, slamming him into the wall again. A small whimper of pain slipped passed his tightly sealed lips and my anger faltered. _Did he really just show that he was in pain?_

"Shizuo. Let me go." He said in a low, threatening voice, his hands clenching into fists in his pockets, causing a small rattling noise, almost going unnoticed, almost, if he hadn't of tensed up and caused the noise again from doing so.

Taking a closer look at his face, no longer shielded by his hair but glaring at me, I noticed how red and puffy his eyes were, and the black under them from lack of sleep, his face looked thinner and he felt lighter than he used to, how his hair lack luster and he was no longer his teasing, smirking, annoying ass self.

Realizing how much I had actually paid attention to how he looked before startled me, so I released him and walked away without a word, took out a cigarette and smoke it, then another, and another, and another.

_A/N my first story for DRRR! How you enjoy it, I'll be updating it VERY soon!_

_~Cerise_


	2. Chapter 2

"_I can't eat and I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?"_

_~Ned Vizzini~_

I watch as Shizu-chan walks away from me. He simply let me go, without much of a fight at that. I shrug, not really caring, and continue my trek home, pulling my hood back over my head.

I rode silently on the train; I walked home without any interruption. Nobody really paid me any attention, not seeing me as any interest to them. _I knew it was smart to leave my usual attire at home and dress down._ Boring grey hoodie, boring white t-shirt, boring blue skinny jeans, boring black Converse.

I walk into my building and go straight to the elevator, head bowed low.

When I walk into the apartment, with my hood off, Namie is still there, still working. She glances up at me, scowls, and then goes back to working, as if it is more interesting to sort files. _It probably is. _I unzip the hoodie and head up to my room, not bothering to converse with her; she couldn't care less about me.

I walk into my room, take the bottle of pills out of my pocket, throw them on the bed, strip the jacket and shirt, and throw myself onto the bed as well.

I pull my blade from my pocket and flip it open. As I'm running my finger along the sharp tip, Namie makes it known that she is leaving for the day by slamming my apartment door closed with a very loud bang, causing me to prick my finger.

It wasn't very deep, but a drop of blood still pooled around the spot. I watch the blood flow from my body. I feel as though I am in a trance. All I can see was the beautiful crimson red. All I can feel is the sharp sting of the blade biting into my skin. All I can taste is the bittersweet copper tang. All I can hear is tear after tear of flesh. But through it all, I feel mentally numb. I feel like I had shut down completely.

That's why when I woke up the next morning, covered in blood and cuts all over my upper arms and torso with no recollection of it happening, I didn't really question it, I just accepted it, like I always do during my blackouts, and welcomed the numbing feeling that comes after taking my pills.

I swallow two down dry. _Sometimes I wish I could just choke on the_ _damned things._ I sigh and slowly pull my blood stained body from the blood stained bed. Glancing at the alarm clock that had not been set to go off the night before, I realize I got a few hours of sleep, about five. _More than I've had the rest of this week._

I drag my heavy feet into the bathroom and step into the shower. I don't even bother taking my pants and underwear off; it just requires more energy that I don't have. The boiling hot water burns like a motherfucker on my cuts but I welcome the sting as I gently rub my arms and torso, ridding my body of the blood. I sigh again. It would be two in the morning soon but I couldn't bring myself to do anything but sit down on the floor on the shower, lean against the wall, and hope to get a little more sleep, seeing as it's the only thing I couldn't possibly mess up.

I guess I can mess that up. The water is now so cold that I'm sure my lips are blue and I still couldn't bring myself to sleep. It was day light out, but I didn't know the time, not that it mattered, it's Saturday. No meetings. No Namie. Nothing.

I sigh and force my weakened legs to stand, turned off the water and walk back into my room, stripping my wet pants and underwear as I go.

"You're such a fuck up…" I tell myself as I grab some dry boxers from my drawer, along with black basket ball shorts, a grey pullover hoodie and socks. Once I'm dressed, I turn to the bed. "Such a fuck up…" I repeat as I rip the sheets from the bed and throw them in the trash. "Maybe you should have let Shizu-chan kill you yesterday, at least then something good could happen to you…" I mumble as I pull fresh sheets from the closet.

I stare at my knife longingly. "You make me happy…" I tell it as if it could understand me. "You don't ever work…" I tell my pills, clutching them in my hand. Tears prick the corners of my eyes as I glare down at the bottle. "Why don't you ever work?" I whisper angrily.

My stomach growls, desperate for nourishments and refreshments. "Shut up!" I scold it, wiping my eyes in frustration. "You aren't hungry; you only think you are…" I tell my stomach as well as myself, willing it to be true. My stomach growls again, louder, arguing with my statement completely. I sigh and walk down stairs to the kitchen.

I pull a chair out and sit in it, half-heartedly glancing around the kitchen. "I don't have it in me to make something…" _Not that I'd want to make something even if I did have the energy. _My phone rings in the living room, rousing me from my depressing thoughts. I sigh and get up to see who it is. I find my phone sitting on the coffee table.

_Shinra_.

I stare at the phone, my hands stuffed into my hoodie pocket, and only reach for it once it goes to voicemail, knowing Shinra, he'd leave one.

Surprisingly, he calls again. I let it ring. He calls again. I don't answer. He calls again and I cave in and answer. Obviously this is important.

"…"

"…Uh—Hello? Izaya? Are you there?" he asked, sounding confused and not at all frantic. _What was I expecting? Did I really think he'd be worried about me?_

_No._

I put on a snide smirk. "Hello~ How can I help you Shinra?"

"See guys, he sounds fine to me, I don't see why you were so worried about him Shizuo!" Shinra says happily, sounding farther away.

"He's still on speaker you dumbass!" Shizu-chan shouts, causing Shinra to squeal in fear.

_Shizu-chan was worried?_ "As you can see, I'm fine~ Now, I must get going, I was just about to make some breakfast when you—"

"But Izaya, it's almost three in the afternoon…" Shinra trails off and I falter. _How long was I in the shower?_

"I have to go." I hang up and throw the phone onto the couch and walk back into the kitchen, ignoring as it rang again and again.

I didn't eat, I just couldn't bring myself to, I did, however, put my pills in my bedside table drawer and clean my knife, as well as put the new sheets on the bed. I crawl into bed and lay there, ignoring my body and stomach's protests at the action.

My body, mind and heart need food and water, but my soul craves sleep. And so, that is my goal, to get plenty of sleep. To sleep until the end of time. To sleep to my soul's content. To sleep until I'm better. To sleep until I'm back to normal.

Back to my old self.

_~Cerise_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N I originally had page breaks throughout the chapters but they didn't show up so I'm having to do it this way, sorry if it got a little confusing in the first two chapters._

—Page Break—

"_Be curious, not judgmental." ~Walt Whitman~_

—Page Break—

Shinra continued calling Izaya, but I, for one, had had enough of this bullshit. I stand up from the couch and walk towards the door.

Celty runs over to me and shoves her PDA in my face. _[Where are you going?]_

I take my glasses out of my pocket and put them on. "I'm going to Shinjuku to see what's up with the flea."

_[I'll go with you.]_

"You don't have to do that, I won't kill him." She visibly relaxes and as I walk out the door I add, "…Maybe."

—Page Break—

I knock on the flea's door and wait for him to open it. He doesn't come to the door so I knock again. He still doesn't answer.

"Open the fucking door, flea!" I pound my fist against the hardwood door. Just as I'm about to pound the door again, Izaya opens it. My fist stops just short of hitting his face.

His bored, tired, red eyes trail up from my fist to my eyes.

"What?" he snaps. He looks like he's had no sleep since I saw him yesterday.

"You look like shit."

"Thanks, now if that's all…" he tries to close the door in my face but I hold it open. I look into his eyes, trying to see if they held the secret to his sudden change. They looked annoyed, with underlying indifference, but appearances can be deceiving. Daring a step closer, looking a bit deeper, I could see the sadness deep in his eyes.

Sad, puffy, red, listless eyes, dark circles from lack of sleep, thinning face. Izaya had turned into the walking dead.

"Shizu—"

"What happened to you?" I ask, stepping in.

"Shizu-chan, take your shoes off…" he mumbles and walks to the couch, rolling over the back and lying face down; he lets out a groan. I step out of my shoes, leaving by the now closed door and walk over to him, sitting by his feet.

"Well?"

"Shizu-chan is so sweet~" he flips over slowly and smirks, but his eyes didn't hold their usual sparkle of mischief. "So worried about little me~ As you can clearly see, I just need some sleep, now, if you would please get out—"

"Izaya, what happened to you?" I repeat, stronger than before, grabbing his arms and forcing him to sit up. His eyebrow twitches but other than that he merely glares at me.

"Get out."

"Not until you tell me—"

"Why in the world would I tell _you_ anything?" he snaps. _He has a point._ We hate each other. _So why do I care so much about his well-being all of a sudden?_

"Because I…well…" _Fuck_. "You…'cause…" I grip him tighter in frustration and he whimpers. Looking into his eyes I can see he is clearly dazed, not really seeing me but looking through me.

"If you aren't going to get out at least let me go," he says too quietly, too calmly. _Almost eerily._ I release him and he slumps back against the couch and hugs himself.

"Are you ok?" I ask gently. He shots me an evil look.

"Why would you care? You want me to die more than anyone else." He mumbles something inaudible after that, not looking at me, but his eyes dim more from whatever it was.

I pause momentarily, not sure how to go about seeing the man I hate with a passion in such a vulnerable looking state. _He shouldn't be acting this way, he should be annoying and getting under my skin and pissing me off._ "Would you believe me if I told you I'm actually worried about you?" _And I shouldn't care about his well being._

He lets out a humorless chuckle, still not looking at me. "Please, just leave…" he asks softly. _He looks like he's falling asleep._ My thoughts are confirmed when he starts to snore softly. I sigh and very carefully pick him up, causing him to whimper and twitch in my hold; his face scrunches up in pain before slowly relaxing again.

I walk up the stairs and head for the room at the end of the hall, the door is open and shows a bed with rumpled sheets so I assume it's his bedroom. I lay him down and he whimpers again. _What happened to you?_

I'm tempted to peek under his pullover to see what's causing him so much pain, but refrain from doing such. _Knowing my luck, he'd wake up and throw a bitch fit…and knifes…_

—Page Break—

"I'm getting your damn food, just please, be quiet…" Izaya mumbles to no one as he walks down the stairs. _Who is he talking to? Me? But why would he be talking to me? It can't be me…then who…?_

"Um, Izaya?" he stares at me in shock. "Who are you talking to?" I ask.

"Y-You're...w-why are…did you…" he stutters. His stomach growls incredibly loud and he folds in on himself, he's knees buckling under him as he hugs his stomach and groans pitifully from the floor. _What the—!_

"Izaya!" I rush over to him, kneeling beside his quivering body. _Shit, what do I do?!_ I pull my phone from my pocket. "I'm calling Shinra, don't worry, it'll be ok," I try to reassure him. His stomach growls again and he shakes visibly, tears streaking down his flushed cheeks. He whimpers again.

"Hello, Shizuo, how's Iza—"

"Shinra! Get down here, it's Izaya, he's hurt or something…I don't know but…Shinra he needs help and I don't know what to do! Hurry!" Izaya tips onto his side in fetal position and continues groaning in pain. He starts to sweat and shiver and I become increasingly worried about his health.

_Come on flea, pull yourself together. You have to be ok…_

_You have to…_

—Page Break—

_A/N I want to apologize for this being so late, I had it typed out but was too lazy to edit and post it. But better late than never, right?_

_~Cerise_


	4. Chapter 4

"_Every day is one more inch of a slow blade sinking in. Vision fading, suffocating, inside my own skin." ~Skylar Grey~_

—Page Break—

"Shinra, why won't he stop shaking?"

"I _just_ got here. Give me a second to inspect him."

I groan as the pain in my stomach increases. It starts with a dull ache that spreads through my entire being and burns into a stabbing pain in my stomach and sides. I attempt to inhale a shaky breath through my mouth and feel my lungs burn intensely, causing me to quiver. _It hurts…to breathe…_

"It's ok Izaya, you'll be ok."

_Had I spoken out loud? _Shinra continues talking slowly and softly to me, but I can barely hear him, all I can hear is my blood rushing; feel my heart pounding and stomach cramping and lungs burning. _Make it go away. The pain. Make it leave._

"Yes Izaya, you are speaking out loud, you still are. It's ok. Once I see what's wrong, I'll make the pain go away. I need to check your heart rate so I'm going to take o—"

—Page Break—

_It's cold._ I peak an eye open before the other quickly follows. I'm in an all white room, lying on a bed, tucked under white sheets and hooked up to machines.

Celty is being held by Shinra and she's shaking. My head falls to my side and I see Shizu-chan sitting in a chair with his head in his hands, he's shaking too. I drag my head back to its original position and glance down at myself as another wave of cold hits me, and then my heart stops. _Shit…_

My jacket is nowhere to be seen, not a shirt, nothing. The only thing covering the cuts on my arms and chest are soiled gauze. I hear a sniffle next me and shuffling.

"I need a smoke—Izaya?"

_My cuts…they know…_The gauze continue to grow redder as I continue to bleed. I scratch my forearm and feel myself start to sweat. _I need my knife. I need to leave._ Crimson starts to cloud my vision and I can feel myself scratching harder. My stomach growls angrily at me for not feeding it.

"Shut up," I whisper the command and its growls louder. I growl back and claw at my stomach. I feel tears sting my eyes. "Shut up!"

"_Izaya!"_

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I dig my nails in as deep as possible, hating how much I love the bittersweet burn of tearing into my flesh and drawing blood. It growls louder and cramps up. _Why won't you be quiet for once?_ Hot, salty tears trail down my cheeks. "Stop it, stop it, stop it. Be quiet. I can't take it, please…" I beg. _As if the stupid organ will listen. It never has and never will. You should just suck it up and eat already…But then I'll get fat…But if you don't eat then you'll die…Is that really such a bad idea?...You're right; No one would miss you…I need my knife…_

"Izaya, snap out of it!"

I whimper as something sharp is inserted into my neck and a thick liquid is forced into my veins, making me instantly feel sleepy. My tired eyes roll towards Shinra who happens to be holding a syringe. He meets my eyes.

"Y-you said…you'd m-make the pain go…away…" My eyes flutter. _Damn tranquilizer…_

"I will."

"L…lair…"

—Page Break—

My eyes flutter open. I glance around and see that my arms are strapped down. _Of course they would find this necessary..._

"Izaya…" I turn towards Shizu-chan. He has tears running down his cheeks. I glare at him, why can't he be disgusted with me and leave, hit me, kill me…_Anything but those sad eyes. _"Why?"

I smirk. "Shizu-chan is so cute~ Getting so sad over something he's wanted for so long~" I chuckle, though I know this is far from funny. "Isn't this what you wanted? Me to die?" I close my eyes and hear him growl. "I guess dreams really do come true, congratulations protozoan."

"Stop it…" his whisper has me curious. I open my eyes and turn to see his head is bowed, his hair hiding his eyes and his fists are clenched tight at his sides. "This isn't what I want…"

"Yes it is. Why else would you constantly try to kill me? Oh, I know, because Shizu-chan doesn't like me~ He wants me dead."

"That's not true, flea. Not anymore—"

"Izaya!" Shinra walks in, clipboard in hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than ever, now, unhook me so I can—"

"I'm sorry Izaya, I can't do that." He fidgets with his pen. "After seeing your…condition, I have to run a few test to see if you're stable enough to—"

"Stable? Shinra, I'm fine. And I'm going home." I mutter, trailing off. _I want my knife. _I can feel myself start to zone out. My eyes find a spot on the wall and I stare at it until the border around it starts to turn black and fuzzy.

"—zaya!"

"Hmm?" _I can't look away._ _I need my knife…_

"You can't have your knife! Are you crazy?!" Shizu-chan shouted. _Guess I'm speaking my thoughts again…_ My arms pulled at the restrains and my fingers twitched. _I can't look away from the wall._ My eyes start to moisten from unshed tears.

"Please…" I whisper as the tears fall. My arms jerk harder.

Shinra drags Shizuo into the corner of the room and I can just barely hear what they're whispering. "Shizuo…he is restrained…we could at least let him hold it, it might give him some comfort."

"How can someone find comfort in a blade?"

_My knife…please…I need it…_

"Well, people who self harm tend to feel like they can't trust anyone or don't have someone they can open up to so they seek comfort in other forms, some cut, some burn themselves, some starve, some purge…it depends on the person. With Izaya, it seems like he cuts and starves."

"He has plenty of people he can talk to! The challenge is getting him to shut up!"

_Please…_

"That's different. I'm talking about someone he can share his feelings with."

"Oh…what about you?"

"What do you mean?"

_I need my knife…_

"You two have been friends since middle school. Why hasn't he come to you?"

"I don't know."

"Shut up!" My stomach growls as I say this. I continue crying.

"Izaya, you need to eat," Shinra tells me. I glare at my spot on the wall.

"Flea, just eat something already." I meet Shizu-chan's gaze. A pitiful whimper rips itself from my throat and his gaze softens. "If I get you ootoro, will you eat it? Or at least try?"

My fingers twitch, my arms jerk, my gaze shifts, my stomach growls and my mind gives up. My body is on autopilot…I think I can almost hear someone saying my name…I think I can feel someone touching me…Yeah, my cheeks. Someone is touching my cheeks.

My eyes focus in on Shizu-chan. He's holding my face in his hands, looking worried. "I-Izaya?"

"I'll try to eat…"

"Ok, I'll go—" I grab his sleeve. _When had they released my arms?_

"Don't leave me." My eyes water and my fingers twitch. "Please…"

Shizu-chan slowly nods. "Uh, alright." He turns to Shinra. "Shinra, can you have Celty get Izaya some ootoro?"

Shinra nods and before leaving the room, gives Shizu-chan a pointed look which is returned with a glare. Shizu-chan breathes a sigh and sits in the chair by the bed while I scratch my arm. I can feel Shizu-chan's eyes on me, watching my every move but my main focus is on suppressing my urge to cut.

He sighs. "Izaya, you need to stop scratching, your arm is getting raw." He takes my hand away to keep me from scratching. The warmth of his hand calms my nerves a bit. Him being so close to me soothes my urge to cut. I hold his hand tighter and close my eyes. _Shizu-chan is my rock…_

"Don't leave me…"

_~Cerise_


	5. Chapter 5

"_You come to find love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." ~Sam Keen~_

—Page Break—

As Izaya starts to fall asleep, his grip on my hand loosens and he begins to snore softly. I am unsure of what to do, I don't want to move and risk waking him up because I don't know how long it's been since the last time he got a full night's sleep but his cold hand in mine is sending weird tingles through my body that I'd rather not think about.

In the end, my worry for his well being wins out and I continue to hold his hand as he sleeps. Shinra pocks his head into the room not ten minutes later and gestures for me to step out of the room with him.

I give Izaya's sleeping form a once over after sitting his hand by his side. A small moan escapes him when I do this and I'm not sure what to make of it. It wasn't a moan of pleasure or of discomfort, just a simple moan, almost like he was trying to say something in his sleep and failed.

"Psst!"

I make my way over to the door quietly and step out into the hall with Shinra.

"What happened to him?" I ask feeling defeated. Shinra readjusts his glasses and sighs deeply.

"Obviously something terrible." He shrugs like its nothing. "I won't know until I can talk to him."

"Why did you ask me to come into the hall then?"

"Hmm? Oh, Celty will be here soon with dinner." As if on cue, the door opens and in walks Celty. She parks her bike and sits the food on the table before taking out her PDA and shoves it in my face. _[How's Izaya?]_

"He's sleeping but I'll go wake him up so he can eat." I move towards the door but a PDA is shoved into my face once more.

[Let him sleep; he can eat when he wakes up.] I nod and walk towards the couch, dropping my tired body onto it unceremoniously, spreading my arms along the back and letting out a long sigh. _What could have possibly happened to Izaya for him resort to something as terrible as self harm?_

Celty hands my food to me and I quickly eat it, almost forgetting to chew before I swallow, grab Izaya's dinner and rush back into the room with him. Izaya's no longer sleeping. He's sitting up and staring at the wall while scratching his arm. _Why is he awake?_

I walk over to him and take his hand so he stops scratching himself. His eyes widen and he turns to me, looking as though he had been shocked.

"Shizu-chan?" His eyes follow the container of food as I place it on his lap.

"Ootoro. You promised you'd try to eat." He nods and I release his hand for him to eat. I glance at the door and then back at Izaya to see that he's staring at his food. My fingers twitch. _God, I need a hit._ "Izaya, I'm gonna step out for a smoke, I'll be back in about five minutes."

He gets a dazed look in his eyes, a piece of ootoro half hanging out of his mouth, and nods slowly. He looks so helpless. His eyes don't hold their usual promise of mischief, they look lost and unsure. He watches me as I walk to the door.

"Five minutes, I promise." I wait until he nods again. I give him a reassuring smile and step out. I walk passed Shinra and Celty and tell them, "I'm headin' out for a smoke; make sure he attempts to eat." They nod and I walk out of the door. I take the stairs two at a time and step outside, pulling my cigarettes and lighter from my pocket.

Once I light up, I take a long drag and exhale slowly. _What the fuck happened to Izaya? He's got scars from past cuts all over so it has to have been a while back, and something that really affected him at that... _I don't take a lot of time to think about it because soon I've finished my cigarette which means I need to head back up to Izaya.

I take the stairs two at a time again and once I'm back in the apartment I see that Shinra and Celty are in the room with Izaya. Izaya is still staring at the wall with a piece of ootoro still hanging out of his mouth…right where I left him. Shinra and Celty are trying to get his attention by calling his name and waving their hands in front of his face.

"Izaya?" he immediately snaps out of whatever trance he was in, half the ootoro falling from his lips where he bit down and landing in his lap.

"S-Shizu-chan?" he whispers and pulls a kicked puppy look as he starts crying into his hands, pulling his knees to his chest. I rush to his side, sitting by him on the bed, and pull him into my arms, cradling him. He grabs my shirt and cries into the crook of my neck, full on sobbing. _Izaya…what happened to you?_

"Shizu-chan, Shizu-chan, Shizu-chan," Izaya whispers and whimpers my name as he cries. I feel tears sting my eyes as well, along with anger swelling within me. _Whoever did this to Izaya is going to pay dearly._

"It's ok Izaya, everything is gonna be ok…" I tell him quietly, trying to sooth him.

"I hurt so much Shizu-chan. Everywhere hurts…"

"What happened to you Izaya?" I hold him closer._ I can't tell if it's me or him who's shaking._

"Help me…" he wraps his arms around my neck and presses himself closer to me and I can tell finally that it's definitely him that's shaking. "Help me Shizu-chan…I don't wanna live like this anymore." He starts sobbing harder, tremors wracking through his frail body and all I can do is hold him to me and hope his pain goes away soon. _He's freezing…_

"I'm here, Izaya. I'm not going anywhere."

His crying slowly stopped and now he's just sniffling. He moves to where he's straddling me and lays his head on my chest, bunches my shirt up in his fists and slowly dozes off. After about an hour, once I'm sure he's in a deep sleep, I carefully maneuver myself to where I'm lying down with Izaya still on top of me. He has a death grip on my shirt and his eyebrows are furrowed. _Is he having a nightmare?_

He starts to shake and clings to me more.

I rub his back, trying to sooth him, and kiss the top of his head. _Wait…did I really just kiss his head…?_

His shaking ceases and his face relaxes as he nuzzles his head under my chin. "Shizu…" My heart warms and beats harder in my chest and I can't help but hold him closer. _Dammit Izaya, what are you doing to me?_

—Page Break—

I wake up to hear Shinra and Izaya arguing. I hold Izaya closer and rub his back to calm him down. Whatever he was in the middle of saying, he stops and relaxes at my touch, leaning into me. I finally crack an eye open and see Shinra sighing at us.

"Izaya, you need to eat, if you keep this up, at this rate, your body is going to go into starvation mode. You don't want that, now do you?" he puts his hands on his hips and gives Izaya a pointed look. Izaya doesn't respond, but instead bites his lip and buries his face into the crook of my neck.

"Izaya, you should try to eat," I tell him softly, rubbing his back. He shakes his head and chocks on a sob.

"If you don't eat, we'll have to feed you through a tube. It's one or the other, pick," Shinra says with finality laced in his voice.

"Help me Shizu-chan…" Izaya whispers to me, clinging to me, crying. _Goddammit…_

"Would you try to drink a glass of water at least? For a start? We'll work on food later; right now I don't want you getting dehydrated." Izaya nods and I smile a little. _Baby steps._

Shinra leaves and returns shortly after with a glass of water. Izaya and I sit up but he stays in my lap. He drinks the water slowly, taking small sips and Shinra and I wait patiently for him to finish. Izaya hands the glass back to Shinra and leans back, onto my chest. _He's still freezing._ I wrap my arms around him and hope my body heat will warm him up some.

Shinra looks at us funny but other than that, makes no comment. He takes out his clipboard and turns to Izaya. "I need you to answer some questions Izaya, so we can figure out what's wrong with you."

Izaya gives a sad smile. "I already know what's wrong with me…"

Shinra looks a little stunned but nods, signaling for him to go on.

"I have depression."

_~Cerise_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N I'm so sorry it's been so long guys, but I'm back now!_

—Page Break—

"_Monsters are real, ghost are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." ~Stephen King~_

—Page break—

Shizu-chan is holding me close, rubbing my arms; whether he's consciously doing this or not, I'm unsure. Shinra stares at me long and hard before he finally speaks. "Are you on medication?" his question only reminds me that I haven't taken my pill today.

"Yes."

"Do you take your pills regularly?" he continues to question me, writing things down on his clipboard.

"Yes."

"And how long have you been taking your antidepressants?"

I stare blankly. He looks up from his clipboard with a look that's telling me _yes, go on_ but I can't remember how long I've been on them. I've been taking them for so long…_You know how long you've been taking them. Remember? Your first break down? When you were twelve? You poor bastard._

I grip my head, mentally begging the voice to stop. To just go away. _Why do you want me to leave? I'm all you've got…Shut up!...You know it's true, who else would care about someone like you? _Shizu-chan_? He's only here because watching you at your lowest is like being a kid in a candy store for him…That's not true…What? Did you think he would ever actually _care_ for you? Like I said, I'm all you've got._

"That's not true!" I scream, on the verge of tears. I curl into myself and continue begging the voice to go away.

"I-Izaya! What's not true?" Shizu-chan pulls me closer to him and I grip him tightly, praying to a god I don't believe in that he's not just here to see me suffer, that he's really here because he cares.

"Please d-don't leave me Sh-Shizu-cha-an," I sob uncontrollably onto Shizu-chan's shoulder and he only holds me closer and rubs my back. _I just want my knife back…I'm sure you do. Do us all a favor and just slit your throat…I hate you!...I _am_ you dumbass!...Then I hate myself!...Well that much was obvious…Go the hell away! _"H-help me…Pl-please Shizu…help m-me…" I continue clinging and sobbing.

"Um…Izaya…are you, oh, how do I put this…" Shinra is muttering to himself at this point and for the life of me I can't stop crying, though Shizu-chan is helping a bit. "Alright, I'm going to just come out and ask. Izaya, are you hearing voices?"

A hiccup escapes me and I nod weakly into Shizu-chan shoulder.

Shinra sighs. "As I thought…" I can just picture him cleaning his glasses on his coat as he mutters this. "Izaya, I think you were misdiagnosed."

"So, you mean to say that Izaya doesn't have depression?" Shizu-chan asks. "Then what the hell is this? This isn't Izaya!" _If_ _only you knew…I've heard enough of you, shut up already!_

"Izaya, how long have you been on your antidepressants?" Shinra asks again and I take a few minute to calm my sobbing.

_Go on Izaya. Tell them all about your break down, about how crazy you are, about me! Do it! They'll throw you into the loony bin for sure!...Stop it…You'll never get rid of me!...Please, just…I'll always be here…Let me…Everywhere you go, I'll be there…Think…_

"A few years now…" I mutter as I pull away from Shizu-chan. I'm sure he doesn't want to be around me more than he has to. _Damn right he doesn't…Fuck you…_

"How long Izaya?"

I take a deep breath and slowly release it. _I need my knife…_ Shizu-chan takes both my hands and it's then that I realize I was scratching my arms again.

"Since…since I w-was twelve…" I whisper.

"W-what?! You've been misdiagnosed with depression for almost twelve years?!" Shinra looks like he's having a spaz attack. He takes a deep breath and goes back into neutral mode, staring down at his clipboard. "Izaya, what do these voices you hear say?"

_Don't tell him…I thought you wanted me to tell him!...Stop pointing fingers. Look, do you really want to be locked up? You won't be able to see your precious humans anymore if you do and we wouldn't want that, now would we?...You have a point…_

My eyes widen as the seriousness of this situation hits me like a ton of bricks and I start backing away from Shinra. _He just wants to lock me away. He doesn't want to see me anymore. He never really liked me anyway, so why would he want to help me?_ My back hits the headboard of the bed and my eyes widen further. I shake my head no.

"Izaya, I just want to help you get better. I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on in that head of yours," Shinra laughs but he is nervously clicking his pen.

"No. You just think I'm crazy; you don't want to help me! Stay away from me!" I find myself clinging to Shizu-chan's arm in fear. I look up at him, pleadingly. "Don't leave me, please Shizu-chan. I'm not crazy. Please don't let them take me away." I'm ready to cry again. _You sure as hell _sound_ crazy…_

"Izaya, just tell us what you're hearing. I promise, you aren't going anywhere," Shizu-chan says softly, petting my hair and holding me. _He's lying…Shut up…_

I slowly nod. _Don't tell them!_ "H-he just talks so me. Sometimes he tries to help me, other times he wants me to just kill myself." _Shut up! They're going to put you away if you don't!_ "Right now he just wants me to stop talking…"

"You can hear him right now?" Shinra asks, writing things down.

"Yes."

"What are some of the symptoms you are having?" Shinra asks, looking up again. The look on his face tells me that he has an idea of what it is but of course he wants to confirm his suspicions.

"Well, the voice in my head, sometimes I can't go to sleep but on occasion when I do, I sleep for only a few hours. I'm constantly tired. I have a lack of appetite, I mean, I know I need to eat but I'm not hungry, and even if I was, I can't find the energy to eat let alone make anything. I tend to stare off at nothing for hours on end. My concentration wavers and sometimes I forget things, which is why I always have my phone, that phone is my life…I don't know…stuff like that I guess." _You said too much…What do you mean?...Hello?...What did you mean?...Oh, so now you don't want to talk?...You really are an asshole…_

"I see," he writes more things on his clipboard, "Go on."

"Um, lately I've been having trouble with my emotions…" I scoot farther from Shizu-chan, ignoring his hurt look and the fact he pulls me back to his side anyway.

"Is that all?" Shinra asks.

"That and what you've already seen," I gesture to my arms. He nods and writes something again.

"And you say you were diagnosed with depression when you were twelve? So I'm assuming that's when the symptoms started?" I nod my head. "Care to give further details?"

"I…um, I-I had a breakdown…let's leave it at that…" Shizu-chan pulls me so I'm sitting in his lap.

"I see…Do your problems come and go, or are they constant?"

"Most of them are constant but some minor ones come and go, like my sleeplessness and lack of energy…" _I don't want to talk about this anymore…_

"Izaya," Shizu-chan takes my hands and holds them in my lap, "Stop scratching." I don't respond to his command.

"Izaya, are you prone to breakdowns, or are they rare?" Shinra asks, redirecting our attention back to him. Or at least mine, Shizu-chan looks more focused on me at the moment.

I open my mouth to reply but my voice catches in my throat. _Do I really want to answer? I don't know what_—Shizu-chan kisses the top of my head and rubs his thumbs soothingly across my fidgeting hands.

"Everything is ok Izaya, we just want to help you," He whispers into my hair, sending a shiver down my spine and I realize then how intimate we must look to Shinra. I blush at the thought of me and the brute being intimate. I look up at Shizu-chan and he smiles down at me, making me blush harder. When Shizu-chan chuckles I turn from him and glare at our hands, my blush remaining.

Shinra coughs and I clear my throat. "I'm not prone to them but they aren't rare either…I guess…" I shrug. Shinra nods.

"Izaya," he starts, mumbling to his clipboard as he addresses me, "You were definitely misdiagnosed, I'm not positive with what yet, but I've got some ideas…I'll find out for sure and let you know as soon as possible. For the time being, I want Shizuo to stay with you, just in case we have a repeat of this little episode." Shinra says as he walks to his medicine cabinet. "I'm going to prescribe you better pills though; obviously yours aren't doing their job anymore."

I chuckle humorlessly, because I knew they weren't working. _They hadn't for a long time. It was more of a placebo effect I was hoping for. I hate taking pills._

_A/N Again, I'm sorry this is so late._

_~Cerise_


	7. Chapter 7

"_No one tells you how precious and powerful moments of happiness and connection are when you are living through a nightmare." ~Phillip Gould~_

—Page Break—

Izaya is back in his bedroom, on his bed, and is staring at the wall again and Shinra is watching him intently. Izaya didn't blink for a while and when he did it was a slow blink, his eyes almost look glazed over and it was freaking me out. I don't know why or when I stared caring for him so much, but he really is starting to worry me. _This just doesn't feel real. This isn't Izaya…_

I move to sit behind Izaya with him between my legs, leaning against my chest.

"Shizu-chan," he mutters under his breath but his gaze is still fixated on the wall. I sigh and kiss his head, but I don't pull away, I keep my lips on his head, inhaling the scent of his shampoo. He stopped smelling bad. When I think back on it, he never truly smelt bad, I just knew it was his scent and that alone pissed me off.

Even if I try, I can't bring myself to hate him anymore. _This whole situation is just so…unreal. It's hard to see Izaya suffering so much…_

"Izaya? Izaya, swallow the pill." Shinra is talking to Izaya but Izaya it's still spaced out. I guess he gave Izaya his pill while I was zoned out myself. I wrap my arms around his waist, gently pulling his fragile body closer to my own.

"Izaya," I whisper and his shivers as my breath tickles his ear, swallowing his pill. His shaking hands move over my own, lacing his fingers with mine.

Shinra leaves once Izaya has taken his pill.

"Shizu-chan."

His whole body is softly trembling and I'm fighting back tears. _I hate this. I hate that this happened to him. I want my Izaya back…_

I look up at the ceiling and blink away tears. _I have to be strong..._ I can feel Izaya's stomach growling silently beneath my fingers and Izaya flinch when it groans loudly.

"Just stop," he whispers to his stomach. His stomach groans louder in response.

"I'll go get us some food. You need to eat," I tell him gently, placing another kiss on his head.

"Don't leave me," Izaya says in a pitiful voice, holding onto my hand but not looking up from his lap. _I hate this!..._

"Never." I pick him up and carry him from his bedroom and into his kitchen, carefully sitting him on the countertop and place myself between his legs, holding his sides to keep him from tipping over. "What do you want?" His dead eyes slowly look up into mine. His rustic eyes look so lifeless; it's physically painful to hold his gaze. _Please, please stop looking at me with those eyes! I hate this! This is a fucking nightmare!..._

"I want to die." The finality of his voice is my undoing. Tears cloud my vision and I hold Izaya against me as I cry onto his shoulder.

_I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!..._

"Don't say that…please, don't say it…" I sob. _I can't take this. It's killing me!..._

_I don't know when I started caring, but I care now. I care a lot. I _love_ this person. Izaya is _mine_! Why the hell is this happening to him?! I want to scream and tear this town to the ground I'm so frustrated! I hate the world! I hate everything! I hate whoever did this to my Izaya!..._

It shocks me a bit when I feel a small hand rubbing my back soothingly while another cradles my head to the crook of Izaya's neck. "I'm sorry Shizu-chan." I blink. "I'm sorry." He kisses my temple. "I'm sorry you have to put up with me."

More tears spill from my eyes. "I'm not 'putting up with you' dammit!" Without really thinking, I crash my lips to his. He doesn't pull away, but he doesn't kiss back, so I assume he's shocked. I continue kissing him, because I refuse to let him think I'm only here because I have to be. I _will_ show him that I care.

I'll show him that I love him.

When he softly, almost shyly, starts to kiss me back, I pull his body closer to mine once again.

"Mn…Shizu—" he murmurs against my lips. I keep kissing him as I trail my hands from his sides, up his chest and weave them into his ebony hair. I pull away from his chapped lips and force him to look me in the eyes. His half lidded eyes still hold no life in them. _I want Izaya back…_

"Shizu-chan?" His eyes widen when I place a kiss on his forehead. I lean forward until we bump foreheads and our noses brush against each other.

"I love you." A silence settles around the room as those words, finally spoken aloud, sink in for both of us. A humorless chuckle escapes him; he has a pained look in his eyes.

"That's not funny Shiz—" I kiss him again.

"I'm not joking. I don't know how it happened but…I feel like I've loved you for a long time." My thoughts are confusing me, but I truly feel that deep down, I've loved him for a long, long time. Izaya doesn't seem to understand what I'm saying even though it was rather blunt. I could be wrong though, I never know what's going on in that head of his, even less now than I ever did before. Izaya starts shaking his head and staring at his lap.

"Izaya?" My hands fall back down to his sides.

"You can't love me." He chuckles humorlessly again. "I'm crazy." His eyes meet mine. _He's so close, yet he feels so far…_

I kiss him again. And again. And again. Just to prove him wrong. To prove that I can love him. That I will love him. No, that I _do_ love him.

"I love you. I don't care how many times I have to tell you, I'll keep telling you until you get it through your thick skull and even after that. I love you Izaya. I love you." Every time I kiss him, he kisses me back. I don't understand why he's denying that I love him, clearly he feels something other than hate for me too, or else he wouldn't let me kiss him or hold him. And he definitely wouldn't be kissing me back nor, albeit weakly, pulling me closer to him.

Izaya's stomach growling and his doubling over with a pained whimper remind me that he desperately needs food.

"What do you want to eat?" I ask with a little more urgency in my voice. He's still doubled over as he starts shaking his head.

"I'm not hungry."

"The hell you're not! You need to eat Izaya! I'm not going to let you starve to death!" I hold him to me. _Why can't he see that I care for him?!..._

"I-I'm so tired Shizu-chan, I just want this nightmare to end," he whispers against my neck. _God, this is killing me…_

"It's gonna be ok, you're gonna get better, I'll make sure you get better. First things first: food. You're stomach is gonna stop hurting once you eat something." When my words seem to have no affect on him other than his stomach groaning louder, I try a different tactic. "If you eat, your stomach will be quiet," I say softly, hoping against hope that maybe that will get through to him, seeing as he's constantly yelling at it to shut up.

He hesitantly nods his head, and I smile at my small victory. Placing a kiss on his temple I ask him what he wants to eat once more.

"Something easy to eat, if I eat too much, I'll just throw it up…" _I don't doubt it…_He grabs onto the back of my shirt with both hands and follows me around the kitchen. I don't try to stop him; Shinra explained that this might happen on our way over here.

_Izaya lay passed out in my arms, he keeps passing out for short periods of time, but if Shinra isn't overly worried about it, I guess I shouldn't stress over it too much either…for all I know this could just be another symptom._

"_Shizuo, Izaya seems to have emotionally attached himself to you." Shinra says casually as we walk to the flea's apartment._

"_Dumb it down a bit and explain," I tell him gruffly. I'm not stupid but that doesn't mean I understand everything that spews from this doctor's mouth._

"_No matter how much either of you denies it, he's very lonely. His parents aren't around and his sisters don't really care for him, nor he them. He spends the majority of his time screwing people's lives over but he has his special 'Shizu-chan time'. I'm not sure how serious his condition is seeing how he's had it half his life and is just now showing any signs of having been sick at all, but he seems to be breaking down at an alarming rate—"_

"_Get to the point."_

"_Well, Izaya knows you're a strong person, the strongest in fact. So I'm assuming when you showed him that you were concerned for his well being, he became codependent on you. Now, whether he realizes he did this or not is unknown to me, but—"_

"_Shinra!"_

"_Eh! Anyway, what I mean to say is, Shizuo, you became Izaya's rock. He's not going to want you being too far away from him and not for long periods of time either. This is hard for all of us but you have to be strong for him."_

I have to be strong for him. But it's hard being strong when all I wanna do is break down and hold him while I cry my heart out. I've cried enough in front of him. I'll hold it together. He's going to get better. This is only temporary.

_This nightmare will be the death of me…_

_~Cerise_


	8. Chapter 8

"_Action without understanding only leads you back to darkness." ~B. Brian Post~_

—Page Break—

_I love you. Ha! He's mocking you! Why the hell would he love _you_?..._I stumble a little when the voice is suddenly speaking loud and clear in my head. And he sounds mad.

Shizu-chan stops walking and looks at me from over his shoulder. "You ok?" I nod. _No you aren't you shit face! Stop fucking around and grab a knife! End it already!..._

I stare at my feet when Shizu-chan starts walking again, slower than before, most likely for my sake. _He probably thinks it's his fault I stumbled…Isn't it?...What do you mean?...If he had just left you there to die then you wouldn't be alive now to have stumbled, I wouldn't even be in your head right now explaining the obvious to you…_

I swear the voice is bipolar. Shizu-chan turns around suddenly, and carefully sits me in a chair, as if I'm a helpless child. I want to pout but when he sits a bowl of soup, some saltine crackers and a peppermint in front of me, I cringe instead because my stomach does a violent twist at the smell of food.

"Where'd you get the peppermint?" I ask softly as I take the spoon and bring some soup to my mouth, lightly blowing on it first. Shizu-chan sits across from me, silently watching me eat. His eyes look pained and I hate it. I hate him a little bit for pitying me.

_Yeah, you hate him. Don't forget that. And he hates you, too. Don't believe a damn thing he says. He's just lulling you into a false sense of security…Oh, and what are you doing?...Giving you the cold hard truth about your reality dumbass!...Oh. Right…_

"I found it in my pocket." His response doesn't tell me much but at least the candy is wrapped. "It should help settle your stomach after you eat." I nod and nibble on a cracker, not meeting his lying eyes. _Love, ha, as if…That's the spirit!..._

We sit in silence as I finish of the first meal I've had in days. Shizu-chan wasn't lying about one thing. My stomach is at least being quiet, and I guess it doesn't hurt as much anymore either…kind of. I swallow the last of the cracker I had been chewing and gingerly pick up the peppermint, popping the sweetish minty candy into my mouth.

"Feel better now?" Shizu-chan asks me, resting his head on his hands. I nod, still sucking on the mint. _Enjoy it while you can, your happiness will be short lived…What do you mean? What happiness?...You'll see…_

Shizu-chan stands up and holds his hand out to me, I take it without a second thought and he leads us to the couch. He sits down and I follow after, laying my head on his lap and closing my eyes as my body stretches out. I can feel him run his fingers through my hair and hum softly. _This is nice…_

Shizu-chan's hand stops as the door opens. "Alright Izaya, if you aren't here today, I'm going straight—Heiwajima-san? What are you doing here?" Namie asks calmly, no longer muttering to herself.

With some effort on my part and little on Shizu-chan's, I sit up and smirk at Namie. "Ah! Namie~ I'm so glad you still showed up to work even if I wasn't here yesterday~" I say happily, putting on a show just for her. _You'd think she'd be grateful…_

"I was just happy you weren't here and I could work without being interrupted." She says as she sits her bag onto her desk. She turns to us and crosses her arms. "Why is Heiwajima-san here?" she asks me.

"Namie, go home for the rest of the week." I tell her as I lean back down. _I'm too tired for this…_

"Paid?" _Of course…_

"Of course~" the door slams shortly after that, letting me know she has left and won't be back for a while.

Shizu-chan runs his fingers through my hair again, continuing his humming. We stay this way for a little while and as nice as it is, I can't fall asleep on a couch. Before I can even mention this, Shizu-chan has me in his arms and he's carrying me to bed. _He's so warm…_

Before I know it, Shizu-chan is tucking me under my duvet and placing a kiss on my forehead. When he turns and starts walking towards the door, I panic just a bit too much.

"W-where are you going Shizu-chan?" I ask softly, sitting up and forcing myself not to reach out to him. Shizu-chan walks back over to me, taking both my hands into his own.

"You need to stop scratching." He sighs and places a kiss on each hand. "I love you Izaya." _Stop saying that…Yes, please stop, it makes me want to fucking throw up…Its sweet that he cares, don't be mean…What the fuck? How many voices are in my head?...Haha, hi! Don't listen to mister sour puss over there. Shizu-chan loves you! That's why he's still around!...Don't lie to him! Shizuo hates him!...Liar!...My head hurts…_

Shizu-chan places his fingers under my chin to tip my head up a bit and places a kiss on my lips. "I love you." I don't…I don't know how to feel about him telling me this anymore. The two voices in my head are arguing with each other about whether or not Shizu-chan is lying to me and it's all so confusing. "I love you." I feel tears sting my eyes as I nod up at him.

Shizu-chan smiles at me and kisses me again. I kiss him back. He crawls onto the bed, on top of me. When he licks at my lips, asking for entrance, I hesitate. _Maybe this is a bad idea…_

The voices in my head are still arguing, only louder now and my head hurts so much but I open my mouth for him anyway. Shizu-chan's tongue tastes vaguely of nicotine, he smells of it too, but behind the nicotine smell and taste is pure Shizu-chan and its intoxicating. _Maybe this isn't a bad idea…_

I become hyperaware of Shizu-chan moving away from me. "Shizu—" he places another kiss on my lips, smiling gently down at me. He moves under the blanket with me, holding me close to him_. I miss the feel of his lips on mine…No you don't! Stop thinking like that right now!...Don't tell him what to do! It's cute!...It's revolting!...You're just mad because he loves Shizu-chan too! Quit messing with his feelings!...You're both messing with my feelings…I'm trying to help you!..._

I'm not sure which said it, or if it was both, but I'm just getting confused further by listening to them. Do I really love Shizu-chan back? Don't I still hate him? I'm not sure anymore.

"Stop scratching." I move my hand from my chest where I had been scratching and place it on Shizu-chan's chest instead. _I can feel his heartbeat. It's so strong…_

I look up into his chocolate eyes and feel mine tear up again. _Do I love him?..._

He kisses me and I wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him back. Shizu-chan rolls a bit and is on top of me again, his big, warm hands under my pullover and on my sides. _When did I get changed into my pajamas? Why didn't I notice?..._

Shizu-chan's fingers brush lightly against the gauze and bandages wrapped around my chest. My eyes that had been closed since wrapping my arms around him open a little and gaze into his saddened eyes. He sits up suddenly and I follow because my arms refuse to loosen their hold on him. He grabs the hem of my jacket and starts to gently tug it up.

"Hold your arms up Izaya," he instructs me and I do as I'm told. _Maybe I do love him…_

I notice the voices in my head have shut up for the time being and I relish the silence while it lasts. Shizu-chan pulls the jacket over my head and stares at the bandages. When Shizu-chan looks into my eyes I quickly avert my gaze.

A kiss is placed on my neck, followed by a nip at my ear, then Shizu-chan's soothing voice floods my ears, calming my nerves with his words, "I love you."

_Yeah, maybe I love him…_

He kisses and nips at my neck for a few minutes, leaving his mark. I tug at his shirt, mentally claiming that it would only be fair if he took his shirt off too but knowing deep down that really I just want him to take his shirt off, along with other articles of clothing.

Shizu-chan takes his top off and I take a moment to admire his lean yet muscular build before his lips are on mine again. _Guess this is really going to happen…Do you really want _that_ inside you?...Don't ask him like that!...You may be a pathetic piece of shit, but you're definitely better than him…_

Just to spite the voice in my head, I reach down and tug at Shizu-chan's pants too, letting him know exactly what I want. He pulls away from the kiss and I look into his eyes pleadingly. "Please."

_A/N Shizaya next chapter! :D_

_~Cerise_


	9. Chapter 9

"_You deserve whatever I decide to give you and I want to give you everything. Just don't forget to remember me, and we'll be ok. Don't forget how much I love you…" ~Kahlen Aymen~_

—Page Break—

Izaya starts tugging at my pants and I become nervous. He looks determined and as nice as it is to see something spark in his eyes again, I don't think I can go all the way. _I don't exactly know what to do…_

I take his hands away from my pants and place a parting kiss on his lips. "We should stop here Izaya."

"_Please_." I don't like how desperate he sounds. He's begging for sex and my stomach twists and knots with jealousy at all the others he's probably had sex with before. I stop those thought abruptly, knowing it'll only anger me. I sigh to calm myself, wishing I had left the room earlier for a smoke, and place a kiss on his forehead.

"I don't want to hurt you. We're stopping." My breath hitches when he suddenly cups me through my pants, palming my manhood.

"Shizu-chan's big," he comments quietly and I fight the blush wanting to rush to my face.

"Izaya, stop." I pants out but it's useless. He's determined. He pulls my growing erection from my boxers and pants then begins thumbing the slit. "Shit." I bury my face into the crook of his neck, places kisses along his milky skin. "_Izaya_," I'm almost pleading him to stop. _He isn't healthy enough for this. I could really hurt him…_

"Shizu-chan," something in his voice is urging me to look him his eyes, though when I actually hear his question I wish I had kept my face hidden, "Are you a virgin?" I can't keep the blush from my face this time, and I can feel it burn all the way up to my ears. His small smile doesn't surprise me as much as his words do. "Good, me too, so be gentle." _Heh, guess I was jealous for nothing…_

He presses his lips to mine as he resumes giving me a handjob and I moan into his mouth. _Guess this is happening…_

"Are you sure? I mean, I don't want to hurt you…" I tell him. He places a kiss on my lips again. I follow him as he pulls away, not ready to end the kiss. He chuckles against my lips and I smile a little. I pull away from both his lips and his hand, throwing the blanket off of us and onto the floor, ignoring his small protest.

I pull off my pants and underwear, not wanting them to get in the way later. When I turn back to Izaya, I see him tossing his own shorts and underwear to the side, his erection standing proud. I blush. _There's no going back now…_

I'm back on the bed, blushing and not having a clue of what to do now. I feel a bit like a fool for not just stopping him and telling him that we'd wait until he was at least in better physically shape. His ribs are poking out, his chest and arms are wrapped in gauze and his thighs are littered with scars from previous cuts.

"Shizu-chan?" I cup Izaya's face I my hands and kiss him.

"I love you." _Please, don't ever forget that. Please, remember that you are loved. Please, never feel like you have to hurt yourself ever again…_

I'm not dense; I know he hasn't said it back. But honestly, I'm happy as long as he knows that I love him. That I truly love him. As long as he knows that, I'm satisfied. "I love you."

I lean him onto his back, spreading his legs so I'm between them. I take his erection into my hand, mindful of my strength, and stroke it slowly, rubbing my thumb over the tip, occasionally putting pressure onto the slit. Izaya is moaning my name, well, nickname but dear God if it isn't turning me on… "I love you."

Even if he's smiling up at me, his eyes show the true inner conflict he's feeling at my words. _Does he still not understand? Well that's not going to work…_

"Izaya, I love you. Do you understand that?" I ask, holding his gaze and releasing his dick. He nods but that's not enough. "Do you really understand? Do you understand how deeply I care for you? Whatever you label yourself as, you're still my flea. Whether you accept it or not, I'll still love you, I'll only fight harder for you. Do you understand that?" His eyes widen at my words and his mouth formed a cute little 'O' shape.

His eyes are tearing up again; I hate that look. It's not Izaya. My Izaya doesn't cry. "I'm crazy…" His beautiful eyes are glistening with tears and it breaks my heart.

"I don't care. That isn't going to change how I feel about you." I stroke his cheek and then his tears spill over. I wipe away his tears.

"Y-you really love me, don't you?" he whispers brokenly, wrapping his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist.

"Yes, I really love you. I love you so much Izaya." He nods again but this time I feel like he truly understands. I kiss him again, deeply, my tongue dancing with his. _He still tastes like mint…_

He grinds our erections together and we moan into each other's mouth. We pull away, both panting, sucking in as much oxygen as our lungs can hold. I sit back on my heels, his arms and legs unfolding around me. I place my hands on his outer thighs, kissing one knee then the other.

I leave a trail of open mouth kisses down his scarred thigh, skip over his weeping erection, and repeat the process with the other thigh. "S-Shizu-chan," he moans. I smile at him, taking his cock into my hand, giving it a few teasing strokes before taking the head into my mouth, causing him to release a loud moan. _I've never given a blowjob before but this shouldn't be too hard…_

For now, I focus on the head, lapping at the bitter precum leaking from the tip and massaging his hips with my hands, also holding him in place, just in case. I slowly inch more of him in, testing the waters. I have half of him in my mouth when I feel his hand tangle into my hair and try in vain to force my head to take more. I look up at him and see that his eyes are closed tight and his head is tossed back, his hand that isn't in my hair is grasping the sheets. I pull back to the head then go down on him again. "Shizu-chan~"

I bob my head up then back down a few more times, taking a bit more of his cock into my mouth each time. _I think I'm starting to get the hang of this… _I release his cock from my mouth with a 'pop' and start licking at it like a popsicle while my hand plays with his balls. "S-Shizu—Ahh!" He cums onto his stomach and a bit on my hand.

"That's kind of thick Izaya," I mutter to the panting form beneath me.

"It's…it's been a while…" he mumbles, his unfocused gaze on the ceiling. I nod and start stroking my neglected erection. Izaya glances at me, still panting lightly, then sits up, taking my free hand and begins sucking on my fingers.

"What are you doing?" he takes my fingers from his mouth, a string of saliva breaking once he begins to speak.

"We aren't done yet Shizu-chan, but sadly I don't have any lube, so this will have to do." His comment has me blushing again as he starts sucking on my fingers once more. He holds eye contact with me while he sucks and licks my fingers and I almost wish that I could replace my fingers with my dick because this is so hot.

Once he's satisfied with the wetness, he releases my fingers once more and lays back down, spreading his legs.

"Izaya, this is your last chance to back out."

_A/N To be continued~ Aren't I just a stinker? ;D_

_~Cerise_


	10. Chapter 10

"_If you're that obsessed with someone, why would you kill her? Humans are full of contradictions." ~Ai Yazawa~_

—Page Break—

_Just do it, you've gone this far…Haha, Shizu-chan is so sweet…Fucking disgusting…Guys, please be quiet, I think we're giving Izaya a headache…_All these voices are floating through my head, arguing with each other and me and I'm having trouble keeping up with who is who because they all have my voice. It's too much.

"Izaya, if you don't want to do this, we can stop," Shizu-chan's voice breaks through the fog of my mind and I meet his eyes. I can't see anything but adoration and worry in those chocolate eyes. _He's worried about me?...Super cute!..._

"I want to do this," I say firmly. The first voice was right, I've gone this far, I'm not backing out now. A single nod from Shizu-chan and a reassuring smile are all the warning I have before I feel a finger at my entrance. And then he's pressing into me.

A gasp rips itself from my throat as his finger slowly enters me. _It's weird and hurts a little…That's because it's an exit not an entrance! That's disgusting! And with _him_ of all people!..._

Shizu-chan places kisses along my jaw and neck as his finger pushes in a little deeper before pulling out and forcing its way back in. This continues for a while and the pain slowly begins to fade. I bite my lip as he adds a second finger and the pain returns along with a burn that I hadn't noticed before. _Damn, it's going to really hurt when he puts his huge dick inside…Haha, don't be silly, it's gonna feel good in a bit, just wait, heehee…Fucking happy ass bitch…_

When he puts a third finger in and goes deeper inside, a loud moan escapes me as white clouds my vision for a moment. "D-do that again…" and he does, again and again and again. _I'm so close, please, don't stop…_

And as if he could hear my thoughts, he pulls his fingers out with a teasing smile on his lips. I pout and he kisses me then I feel something larger than his fingers at my twitching entrance. "I love you."

I gasp again as he pushes in. _So big…_

"Ngh…Shizu-chan." _He's so deep inside…_

After a moment, I tell him to move. He slowly pulls out and pushes back in, gently, over and over again. "Shizu—ah! G-go faster." His thrusts slowly gain speed and when he changes his angle, he slams into my prostate. "Ahh!" It isn't long before he has me a panting, moaning mess, clinging to him like a lifeline.

I drag my nails down his strong back. With every thrust, he hits my prostate head on and the pleasure is so intense. His thrusts are hard and fast, he's moaning in my ear, his body is hot on mine. _It's too much…_

"Shizuo!" I call out his name as I cum hard on my stomach. My body feels like jelly and I'm struggling to catch my breath. I'm vaguely aware of the voices in my head being oddly silent and of Shizu-chan's thrusts losing rhythm but picking up pace yet again in my sensitive hole, still hitting my poor prostate.

"Ngh, Izaya~" he grunts my name as he cums deep inside me. _It's warm…The nasty pig came inside you. That's so gross. Make sure to scrub really hard when you shower…Shizu-chan is not gross and he isn't a pig, what we're doing isn't disgusting, so shut the fuck up!...You tell him! He's just mad because he can't have Shizu-chan for himself!...I'm not even going to ask…I wouldn't. It's pointless…_

"I love you, Izaya."

_Do you love him?...Hmm? What do you mean?...Well, I'm sorry for asking such a personal question but, do you love him? He's been telling you all night that he loves you but you haven't said it back…I think this is the most I've heard from you particularly…I tend to stay quiet and mind my own business, but I can't help but be curious…Oh, well to answer your question, yes, I do love him…Why haven't you told him then?...Because Izaya is shy, heehee…Shut up…I'm tired of this shit, I'm taking over!...No you can't! Shizu-chan and Izaya are finally happy!...Why should he get to be happy?!..._

Before I can figure out what's happening, the color red bleeds into my vision, turning everything into a shade of red and other than a deep fire burning my eyes, I lose all feeling in my body, I can't even scream in agony at the pain in my eyes.

_What's happening?!...Roppi is taking over…_

All the voices reply in a way that makes me understand that this isn't going to end well for anyone and I mentally freak out as I watch Shizu-chan's eyes widen, fear showing on his face, the love he once held in them slowly fading away.

A dark chuckle erupts from my throat. "_You should know better than to fall for a crazy person_ _Shizu-chan._" That's my voice, but that's not me. _This can't be happening…_

_A/N I know it's short, but I'm fine with that, the next chapter will make up for it! :D_

_~Cerise_


	11. Chapter 11

"_He'd kill you alright. No sweat. But for all the wrong reasons. Amateur's reasons. Of course, you'll be just as dead." ~Laurell K. Hamilton~_

—Page Break—

_What the fuck happened? First, the flea's eyes turn a different shade of red and then he's smirking up at me, chuckling and telling me I shouldn't have fallen for him? That's not at all the reaction I was expecting…_

With strength that could challenge my own, that I wasn't aware he even had, not even on a good day, he flips me over and pins me to the bed by my wrists. He leans forward and his lips brush against my cheek as he speaks, "_Tell me you love me Shizu-chan_." _What the fuck is happening?..._

When I continue staring off at the ceiling but don't say anything, he chuckles darkly again, pulling away from me. "_I told you it was all a lie. He never cared about you. He used you. But you didn't listen to me_." _Who is he talking to?..._ He glares down at me with his almost evil looking red eyes, his smile completely gone. "_I hate you Shizuo_."

My eyes widen. _This isn't right. This isn't right at all…_ His red eyes blend with a bright pink color that begins to show itself. _What the fuck?!..._

"_Don't talk to Shizu-chan that way! He loves Izaya_!" I can't do anything but sit back in stunned silence as a gold bleeds into the pink until you can't even tell pink was ever there, glaring down at me as the red eyes had.

"_Nasty ass pig! Touching Izaya like that…it's…it's disgusting! You know what? I don't even care about the fact that you're a guy, it's the fact that it's _you_…sick_." The bright pink from earlier takes over the gold again. This _Izaya_ looks like he just watched a puppy get hit by a car.

"_Hibiya! How rude! He loves Izaya! How could you be so mean_?!" _The one with gold eyes is called Hibiya? They have names for each other?..._The pink eyes look close to tears before they begin to pale. Gentle pink eyes are gazing down at me, blinking away the tears from the previous _Izaya_. The grip on my wrists loosening completely as this _Izaya _sits back, releasing me.

"_I apologize for them_." This one seems sane…kind of…or…no, this is another personality. Therefore, nothing about what is happening right now is even close to sane. _What the hell is going on?..._

"Can…um…you bring Izaya back? You know, the original?" I ask, uncertain to how these things work.

"_I'm_ _very sorry. Roppi took over. Izaya…may not be back for a while. I'm fighting just to keep the others at bay so that they don't overwhelm you again_." _Izaya won't be back for a while? What the fuck? And which one is Roppi? The one with the red eyes or the bright pink eyes?..._

"What are you and…the others?"

"_We are the voices in Izaya's head_. _Ah—I-I'm sorry…I…I c-can't hold Roppi…ba-back…_" A dark chuckle leaves this one as the red eyes reappear, grabbing my wrists again before I can even react. _Red eyes are Roppi then…_ He's back in my face, looking desperate but his expression quickly getting angry as he talks.

"_Tell me you love me Shizu-chan? Tell me? Tell me! Tell me how you love me so much! Tell me how much you fucking love me_!" He begins yelling in my face. _He has Izaya's face and voice, but it isn't Izaya and it looks like he wants to hurt me…_ "_Haha, I should confess. Izaya thought he loved you. He was so unsure though, you really fucked with the poor boy's head_." He shook his head in a you-really-shouldn't-have-done-that sort of way. I growl.

"You and the other's are the ones fucking with Izaya's head! I've only ever loved him! I've loved him for so long! I wouldn't have mar…I…wait…" I blink rapidly as my vision blurs and slowly darkens at the same time. _What's…happening?..._

The _Izaya_ above me 'tsk tsk's me. "_Well Shizuo, it looks like your time is up. Goodbye now_!" he gives me a creepy smile before my body goes limp him his arms. His hands trail down from my wrists, across my shoulders and to my neck, leaving weird tingles where he touches, like when your arm or foot falls asleep.

Then I can feel his fingers digging into my flesh but I feel no pain. I feel nothing. I can see him ripping out something bloody from my neck, but I don't feel it. He rips at my neck again and again before attacking my chest, ripping out bones and organs. I feel nothing.

My eyes close and I see nothing. The noises and sickening laugh fade until all there is is a dull static sound in my ears, and slowly, I feel myself wavering, not knowing what's real and what isn't. I feel like I'm on a boat drifting through the ocean. My body won't move, but I can feel a cold sweat creeping onto my skin and a deep panic setting in. I can faintly hear a noise coming from…somewhere. I start to make out the noise the closer my consciousness fades…

_Is that…screaming? What…why…I don't understand…_ Am I screaming or…no, that doesn't sound like me…Then, who…_I don't understand…_

_A/N I hope you all find it in your hearts to forgive me for that. I was hoping that would be longer too…Oh well, I tried._

_~Cerise_


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